I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Randomize
