Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
