i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
