My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
