JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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