Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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