I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
