now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
