my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
