I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
