I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
