Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
