ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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