Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
