I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
