The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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