I don't usually arrange sex via text message
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
