I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
