Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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