i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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