i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
