I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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