this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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