i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
