I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
