i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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