She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
