I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
