i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
