When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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