If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
