I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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