Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Randomize
