I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I haven't been this sober since birth.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
