there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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