He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
