This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
