This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
