This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
