I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
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