woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
