Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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