areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
