I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
