I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
