my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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