Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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