I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
