I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
