I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
